Friday, November 21, 2008

The Universe is Calling

You know when a succession of things happens to you that makes you stop and think... OK, maybe someone is trying to tell me something? I think I'm having that moment this week.

First, it started on Monday, when one of my yoga teachers sent me a Facebook message saying that 3 of them (teachers) would be leaving the yoga studio I practiced at and would be setting up their own studio (let's call this "Studio A"). They wanted me to be part of their teaching team, even if it was only on a part-time basis coz they know I've got a full-time career, but they recognize my "Y factor" - dedication to and passion for yoga. WOW! How cool!

Literally 2 minutes after reading this message, I got a call from Meg - she joined us on the Ashtanga teaching course for the first week for inspiration, but she's already a teacher who owns her own studio here in Cape Town. She apologized for the late notice, but needed a substitute teacher to fill in for her evening yoga class that same day. I would've jumped at the chance, but unfortunately I was sick in bed that day. (And maybe I was secretly glad to be sick too, coz the thought of teaching that first group class still makes me extremely nervous).

AND THEN! Two days later, Maria, the teacher training course director, forwards me a message from the studio I usually practice at (Let's call this "Studio B"), asking for recommendations for teachers since those 3 would be leaving them to set up Studio A. (I haven't been going back to Studio B since the course as I've been practicing on my own at home so haven't seen these guys in almost 2 months!) ...Maria recommended a few of us from the September course who are based in Cape Town, but put me on top of the list since I used to be a regular student there before.

Of course the gears in my head are starting to click at this point, and to top it all off, my Yoga Mommy aka Maria, called me yesterday and asks about the email she sent the day before - and whether I'd responded to Studio A's call for teachers. Gulp. It was a good kick-up-the-butt pep talk, well it was more like encouragement, and something I needed to hear. Thank you, Maria!

For some reason, I'm just paralyzed with fear to take the next step into teaching proper. Yes, I'm busy with work. Yes, I'm committed to a 6-day-a-week self-practice. But I'm somehow getting the feeling that while they're good reasons, they're also reasons I'm hiding behind. Deep down I'm just afraid I'm gonna screw up that first class. Teaching Kelly is one thing, but teaching a group class between 30 - 50 people is a whole other ball game. What's the worse that could happen I suppose... embarrass myself, I guess?

One of my previous teachers told me that during her very first class after her training, she was so nervous she actually knelt down, curled up into a ball and started crying! In the middle of teaching the class!! ...Okaaaaaaay. Guess nothing could be as bad as that experience huh. But everyone keeps saying how forgiving and compassionate your students will be, especially when they know it's your first class. I guess I've just got to get my head around that. I feel like I need to join some kind of support group. "Hello. My name is Jaime and I AM TERRIFIED".

So there's been a lot of movement in the yoga world in Cape Town and it seems like I'm being asked to be more involved. I just really need to stop hemming and hawing coz the more I think, the more I waver and vacillate and bring myself down this dark hole of fear and self-doubt, the more I'm gonna remain paralyzed. What's that phrase about a deer in headlights? Yeah, that.

The universe is calling. I have to respond.

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