Backbends+Angry Birds, Safety First, More Food!

I. DID. IT!!!!

Stood up from a backbend from the floor. Yes, You Sucker! FINALLY!

Did 2 sets of 3 backbends walking hands in closer every time, and on the next backbend when I finally walked the hands closer still, suddenly something clicked in my legs in a "OH! I kinda remember this now!" sort of way and I was able to hurl myself up to standing on the inhale. I don't think Sharath or Saraswati saw me, but who cares?! I probably had an idiotic grin on my face anyway.

Every body is built differently and what works for me is probably different from anyone else, but definitely walking the hands in as close to the feet as possible was what made it click for me today. DUH. My thighs tend to push upwards more whenever I walk the hands in, automatically activating them more, giving the grounding I need. And then it happened. And immediately after that, guess what my next thought was? ..."Crap. Now I'm gonna have to 'rinse and repeat' and make sure I do it again tomorrow." HAHAHAHA! :)

After this I went straight into dropbacks without hanging back halfway like I usually do to "open up" the back first. I guess doing lots of backbends on the floor is the equivalent of this and I felt open enough to dropback today without faffing. And dropbacks and standing back up from them were great again today! Nobody was standing around watching and pressuring me again, so that definitely helped too.

Other things that helped me finally stand up from that blasted backbend from the floor:

1. Angry Birds. Yes, Angry Birds the game.
I'm a little obsessed with this game where you have to catapult the angry birds onto pigs that have stolen the birds' eggs (yes, seriously. I play this game). Yesterday, when my friend Nass told me I had to think of moving UPWARDS rather than only FORWARDS, I thought of the catapulting action in Angry Birds. HAHAHA! I'm a nerd. Watching other people practice while sitting out in the foyer for my turn to start also helped me visualize this spring-coil action needed to move your centre of gravity to propel you up and over (hence for me, moving the hands in as tight and close as possible to the feet helped this).


2. Dreaming of it
Seriously. I woke up at 3am today and couldn't fall asleep again. So I started visualizing doing backbends from the floor and finally standing up from them. At some point I must have drifted off to sleep.

3. So embarrassed to admit this, but before practice today, I dedicated my practice to: the act of standing up from a backbend on the floor. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! I am a complete and utter nerd. I was very aware that I wasn't grasping and willing it to happen, I just dedicated it to the act of standing up itself. Didn't matter if I did it today or not nor ever.

So... I suppose I have been kinda sorta obsessing over this. HA. So then what happens now? ...Absolutely NOTHING. I wake up and do it all over again tomorrow. :)

A couple days ago, Karen, Jill and I went to Rashinkar's, the tailor, in town (this was my third trip there in the 4 weeks I've been here now. I end up buying or making something there every time I go. I need to STOP GOING THERE!!!) I tagged along with the girls coz they were looking for Mysore rugs, and I was just interested in going round the corner to Dasaprakash after that for lunch (it's always about the food. Heh.)

Rashinkar's is currently going through renovations and every time I've been there, something looks different about it, or it's in a different state of... er... disrepair. This trip was hands down the winner. They had pretty much removed part of the floor of the second floor, as well as the wall of the stairwell. So in order to reach the section where the Mysore rugs were kept, the poor girls had to walk via a shaky, loose wooden board. I think this was actually a little board holding the lighting electricals. It was never built as a gangplank to get from one side to the other!

Someone remarked... "Er... Is it safe?" To which came the reply "It is safe, Madam".




I had no need for a Mysore rug, so no way in hell was I gonna risk life and limb to get over to the side! I climbed up the stairwell (the one with no wall around it anymore), and it had poky wire-mesh and crumbling construction bits sticking out of it. Here are more photos taken from Karen's FB page, used with permission:


View from the other side where the rugs are. I was pretty much standing where this lady is, giving them my opinion on which rug colours were prettier. HAHAHA!


The big stash of Mysore rugs:


Later, we had another round of Thali at Dasaprakash. :)



Other food porn shots from dinner last night... Coconut Dosa at Greenleaf (only on Tuesdays!) This baby is laced with coconut and other good stuff and is greasy-HEAVY. (For the first time, I couldn't finish my dinner!)


Alice is the Queen of Vanilla Ice-cream. This is probably the prettiest sundae I've seen so far.


I'm done with all my Sanskrit classes! So this afternoon I can make another trip out with the group to see the orphans. It's nice not to have anything heavy to do today (like HOMEWORK). HAHA!

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The Great Leveler and Inspirer

I love how the KPJAYI shala is The Great Leveler and The Great Inspirer, all at the same time.

At this current point in time, there are a great number of Rockstar teachers practising in the shala. I'm gonna play it cool and not name names, but you have probably at one point or another seen these teachers' DVDs, read their blogs or attended their workshops. AND WE ARE ALL PRACTISING IN THE SAME SHALA TOGETHER.

I mean... How wild is THAT?! (I just wouldn't wanna be practicing next to them in a led Primary class. How much pressure would that be? Or... I'd probably be watching them out the corner of my eye the whole time. HAHAHA!)

I love how it's The Great Leveler in that there doesn't seem to be any preferential treatment for them - You arrived today? You get a later start time, so what if you're a Rockstar. Work your way to an earlier start time the longer you stay. Everyone has to wait their turn to practice too (I'm telling you, the only one who's got preferential treatment is the Police Commissioner, or perhaps he's the District Police Commissioner as the rumour goes. Remember, the dude who's got his reserved spot and doesn't have to wait in line?) Over here, it's Police before Rockstar Ashtangis!

And at the same time, it's also The Great Inspirer coz... Well... We're practising in the same room as so many other great Ashtangis (not just the Rockstars), all here for the same purpose. My favourite part of day is sitting and waiting for my turn in the foyer, coz I get to watch everyone else practicing. Just coz you got the next pose doesn't mean you know shit about all the other poses before it. Watching the level of refinement of other peoples' practices makes you realize how much more stillness, focus and grace can be achieved, and watching how far the human body can physically take itself (and how much of this is mental determination too) is just sheer inspiration.

I remember in Sharath's Sydney workshop, he said something along the lines of "Come to Mysore. 1 month there is like 5 months practice anywhere else." I think part of why practicing here is so different from practicing anywhere else is just coz of this inspiring energy... It's almost like you're absorbing this collective dedication and riding that wave in your own practice. I find myself wanting to push myself beyond that edge just a little bit more. Just knuckle down and DO IT. No nonsense.

Backbend Update: With backbends from the floor, I'm still hurling myself onto my knees. Yesterday, on my 3rd attempt, I came to semi-standing/ semi-squatting, kinda like an Utkatasana. Today, I was just propelling myself forward onto my knees. My friend practising next to me had some good advice. She said: You're moving forward too much. Think of moving UPWARDS. And use the inhale. AHA! Time to put this head knowledge into action. Tomorrow, I do.

Today, I finally did 3 dropbacks and stood up from all 3 without crashing or landing on my knees. Saraswati had come by to help me on my FIRST one, and immediately I felt the pressure and the walls closing in on me (and was thinking "Damn it. Now I'm gonna crash again"). Thankfully, she started assisting the lady next to me with her assisted dropbacks, so I could just get on with mine without that pressure of "ALL EYES ON YOU NOW!!". And I swear to God, that's what helped me get on with it. Every time there's someone there watching, I just freeze and my brain and body spazz out then I can't stand back up again.

Isn't it funny how much of being able to do something or not is just pure intention and having confidence in yourself too? "I CAN do this" or "I CAN'T do this" becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy.

Oh well.

I know some people feel that talking about your yoga/ asana process is taboo. Or rather, it should be kept private. But... I guess part of how I process stuff is to talk-talk-talk about it. And visualize it. And dream about it. It's worked for me in the past, so I'm sticking to it. And boy am I glad that the whole world knows that backbends is the issue I'm currently working on, coz I'm grateful for all the advice I've been getting from all my yogi friends, solicited and unsolicited. Ask and ye shall receive. HAHA!

Today's food porn shot: Anu's Banana Chocolate Almond smoothie. Because of this bad boy, I am determined to finally get me a blender when I return to Amsterdam. This is the vegan version without curds or milk, but this is like a smoothie laced with crack. It is sooooooooooo deliciously creamy, all it is is FROZEN bananas blended with chocolate and almonds. I am soooooooooo gonna keep a tub of frozen bananas in my freezer too. Why didn't I think of that?! (This is probably not as appetizing-looking as it is. I promise.)


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Drop It! (like it's hawwwwt)

Sharath makes me drop to my knees. HAHAHAHA! That just sounds so wrong.

But it's happened TWICE now. Actually, three times. Basically, after 3 weeks of being here, I've figured that my practice for this trip is completely about my backbends. Yup, I practice the full Primary series for up to about an hour in order to get to the fucking blasted asana known as Urdvha Dhanurasana.

It's not just about the backbend. I'm talking about standing up from a backbend from the floor. My focus in all of this week's self-practice has been to stand up from the last Urdvha Dhanurasana from the floor again. Because I'd been so out of practice before arriving in Mysore, I'd initially just been doing a regular set of 3 backbends before going into dropbacks. 3 weeks ago, that was enough to completely wipe me out. It felt pretty much like starting from scratch again!

3 weeks later, it feels like more strength and opening is taking place in the spine somewhere. And only in the last week have I felt ready to push myself a little bit more. So I've been doing 1 set of 3 UD's, coming down and resting for a bit, then going up to another set of 2 or 3 more UD's, walking my hands in closer every time, before attempting to stand back up from it once I feel like the back is open enough. It's starting to feel like I'm creating a bit of space between each vertabra (or at least this is what I'm telling myself to imagine as I'm in the backbend). Since the start of this week, I've been trying to haul myself up to standing after the last backbend.

Maybe this is the problem. "Do or don't Do. There is no TRY."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Sorry for quoting Star Wars. But I should just get out of my head and DO it. Not TRY. Everyone I've spoken to about my issue is perplexed since I can dropback and stand back up from it, so what's the problem with doing it from the floor? (Yes, here in Mysore, there is lots of time for deconstructing-asana talk). They think it's all in my head. But I think my back just isn't warmed up or open enough to do it from the floor just like that. I'm pretty sure that if I'd also done all the 2nd series backbends before getting to Urdvha Dhanurasana, I wouldn't be having this problem.

Anyways, when I attempted this initially, my body had ZERO recollection of having ever done this before. This was a little scary and disconcerting. But by yesterday's practice, I was hauling myself up onto my knees. OK, still not fully standing yet, but at least it's a start. I just need to ground my legs completely. And get my hands even closer to my feet coz my centre of gravity's just too far away at the moment.

ANYWAYS... Sorry to get all boringly mechanical about my backbend process. So then I get to dropbacks. I've been doing OK with them, dropping back and standing back up again.

Except... some time at the start of this week, Sharath decides to walk right up to my mat for assisted dropbacks (or Tiryang Mukha Uttanasana as I'm told it should be called, not Chakrabandasana) just as I'm about to do my last dropback. I told him "One more". He says "OK". And now I'm all nervous and sweaty that he's stood RIGHT THERE. I dropback OK, but when I'm coming back up again, I fall right to my knees (!!!!!! ?!?!?????) and he shakes his head and goes "Oh no no no..."

Sad panda.

I told him "Scared of YOU!" ...and he laughs.

Guess what happened yesterday? ...The same EXACT thing happened. He came close by on the last dropback, and again he made me so nervous, I collapsed in a heap at the top of my mat when standing back up again. This time, I laughed out loud and so did he. WTF is my problem?! I was so annoyed I wanted to do it one more time, but again I was afraid to open my mouth to say it.

I'm not sure if I'm imagining this or if he's catching onto my fear of him. In the last led class, he was right by my mat for Ubhaya Padangusthasana. So we're all in Halasana, catching our toes and about to roll up to it, and he says something like "Catch your toes. Straight legs up." ...All I hear is "Straight legs up" and what do I proceed to do?


Because he's standing right in front of my mat as I'm rolling up, I completely freak out, bend my knees and crash to the floor. He lets out a grunt of disapproval. A GRUNT!!!

ARGHHHHHHHH!!! (I don't usually have a problem with this pose, which made it even doubly sucky for me). UGHHHHH.

In this morning's led class, Sharath just so happened to be in front of my mat AGAIN when we got to Ubhaya Padangusthasana. Hmmmm... Fancy that. Good thing I didn't notice it until I was already rolling up and looking up to the ceiling, so I didn't flake out and drop it yet again. P.H.E.W.! (But he did try to make me get my feet closer together when I was already up in Setu Bandhasana and I almost tipped over to the side, causing more laughs!)

I'm not sure where I was going with this post again. I was gonna finally write that post on COWS (with lots more pictures), but look what happened. I guess I just had to get that boring practice observation off my chest. JUST DO IT ALREADY, DAMMIT!! STAND UP FROM THE FLOOR!!!

I'll leave you now with something a little less depressing than my frustrating state of backbends... FOOOOOOOOOD SHOTS!!

Here's something "new" I've discovered at Nalpak. It's called "Shavige Bath", but pronounced "Shao Gay Bhat". It's rice vermicelli noodles fried with lentils, green chilli and curry leaves and they only serve it for breakfast on some days. It's kinda sorta similar (not really) to a "fried bee hoon" dish we have in Singapore. It came with a Raita of some sort but I swopped it for coconut chutney instead. Yum!


This morning, I went there looking for the same thing, but it was a different special that was on. Something called "Bisibele Bath" (the dude pronounced it so quickly with his heavy accent I had no idea what he was saying and had to look it up on the menu. Like "shao gay bhat", it's pronounced nothing like how it is written). This is the weirdest thing to have for breakfast. It's almost like baby food... a savoury rice porridge with er... I think it's tumeric and tomato and it's also spicy and looks like vomit. I don't think I'll be ordering this again any time soon. Those crunchy bits to sprinkle on top were delicious though.


Yesterday, we went to RRR for yet more Thali. At this place, they lay out banana leaves as your plates and come round and scoop up whatever dishes they've got onto your leaf-plate. You can keep asking them for more. They kept bringing more even though we didn't ask for anymore. We were rolling ourselves home by the end of lunch.



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Sanskrit & Frustration

We had lunch with Swamiji today! It was a HOOT! BUT... It's 7.40pm and I'm flat-out knackered. Time to hit the sack in a bit. So... pictures and a Swamiji lunch update to come later (it's Moon Day break on Wednesday, after all... I'll have time to deconstruct it and write a proper post!)

Super short post today, and I'll leave you with a Sanskrit homework update. I've been chugging along nicely as a B+ or A- student (this is totally my own made-up grade. Lakshmish would be flabbergasted at my arrogance. HAHA!)

Last week's homework on putting together words and double consonants checked out OK.


BUT... today, things are heating up quite a bit and he's giving us much trickier words to figure out, along with giving us some irregular consonant combinations to practice. This is the state of my Sanskrit from practicing in today's class. I had to go back a number of times before I finally got them all right. I felt like kicking something (or someone) in frustration.


I was as frustrated by Sanskrit today as I've been with my backbends. For the life of me, I can't seem to stand up from the 3rd backbend from the floor anymore. After backbends and moving onto dropbacks, I'm able to dropback and stand up again (only coz I warm up the spine a bit more with half-hangbacks before dropbacks)... So... I CAN DO IT! I CAN stand up from a backbend, why can't I just do it with a backbend FROM THE FLOOR?! This was the first thing I learned to do before I could even dropback and now I have no idea how to do it anymore. URGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!! (Y'know what this means right... I can't get Pasasana if I can't stand up from a backbend from the floor. I know I'm not supposed to be thinking this, but... I can't help it).

My housemate got Pasasana today. I have pose-envy. Bad Lady!

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Dropbacks, Recycled Coconuts, Sanskrit & Dusk

Week 2 in Mysore is in full swing. The shala's definitely more crowded this week than it was after the moon day last week. Usually when I'm done with my practice, most of Saraswati's students are practising and the room is half-full. Today, as I was leaving, the whole room was still jam-packed with students.

The led class yesterday felt better for me physically - I can already start to feel my body getting stronger and more bendy. Not quite the fittest I've been (yet), but things are starting to click again in the body.

After a massage yesterday ("Swedish massage" in an Indian spa. Um... Not sure I would recommend this as a relaxing experience. If you're super grossed out by hygiene standards, then probably not. But look, I'm anal about hygiene... Over here, you kinda relax the standards a little bit), I think coz my shoulder knots got a good rub yesterday, I slept like a baby and had a really nice practice today: focussed, aware and involved.

Sharath adjusted me in Supta Kurmasana, and then again at dropbacks. He came round after my third backbend (I vaguely toyed with the idea of attempting to stand up from the third backbend, but then thought "It's Monday. It's a 6-day practice this week... Nahhhhhhhhh! Take it easier today." Heh.)

So he stood close and I said "Can I try on my own first", and he replied "OK". I momentarily thought "Dammit. No faffing. No hangbacks...?" (I'm not sure, are you allowed to hangback halfway if there's a teacher watching over you or is that not good practice etiquette? Just seems rude to be sucking so much time of the teacher's time by not going straight into a dropback. Y'know...?)

So I got halfway in a hangback and my back felt more open today, and I dropped back with no fuss. As I was standing back up again, I got nervous and didn't use the breath AND came up first with my head. TWO BIG NO-NOS! So of course I danced around a little bit as I stood up and Sharath laughed.

The second one I did, I didn't realize how close he was standing in front of me and as I hauled myself up, I almost crashed straight into him and had to grab him to brake. As I danced around at the top of my mat AGAIN, he said "No running!"

HAHAHA! I really like his sense of humour. :)

By the third one, I think he got bored I was taking so long so he adjusted my neighbour in Supta Kurmasana, and I think I did a so-so attempt at standing back up again. I dunno - this standing up from backbends has been flaky in the past week. I get all anxious and forget to use my inhale, use the legs and leave the head behind as the last thing that comes back up again. So I'm a bit wobbly as I come up.

Ah well... Practice and all is coming.

Today's coconut count: 5. (I think this is my daily record so far.)
I'll write about the legendary coconut stand another time, but guess what happens to all those coconut husks when the yogis have had their fill? ...The goats come in and clean up after us! Recycling in action, fer shizzle!



Another shot of yesterday's Sanskrit homework for Evelyn. I'm learning how to put vowels to consonants now. Today, we learned how to put this all together in an actual word. Wait till you see the homework for THAT! It's gonna be squiggles galore!


And I've saved the best shot for last. My favourite time of day here is dusk. Not because that's when the mozzies come out to play, but coz the light here at dusk glows this really pretty rose/ orange/ pink tint. Everything is bathed in this rose-tinted colour, it's so magically beautiful. I was in Goa about 7 years ago now, and this was the same exact kind of light you get there at dusk too.


Have a Happy 6-day practice this week! :)

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Registration & Day 1 Practice

I went to register yesterday afternoon. I'd heard the shala clock runs 15 minutes early, so figured I'd get there for 3.15pm in regular time (which means 3.30pm in shala time). Walking up to THE shala, y'know, THE KPJAYI... was a mix of excitement, nervousness and the feeling of I-can't-believe-I'm-here-FUCK-ME!!

It's a modern building in comparison to all the other buildings, I mean, houses, in the area. From what I've heard, the shala's downstairs and the family lives upstairs.



I think I was even earlier than shala time coz I'd walked over and wasn't sure of the way, so thought I'd give myself a headstart. There were already a few students milling about. A local lady entered the building, and then a guy peeks his head out and looks around. He starts pointing at a few people "You - new student?" The person nods, and the guy says "Come". He did the same with me too, and also asked "student of Sharath or Saraswati?"

What I realized later was the Sunday conference was happening at 4pm, so there was a mix of new students there for registration as well as students who have already been practicing. This security/ caretaker dude was pretty sharp in spotting all of us newbies there for registration and was herding us inside!

If you're planning on coming to Mysore, make sure you bring a photocopy of your passport ID page, as well as a copy of your visa page, and also bring another passport photo. The local lady was handling registrations in the foyer and was checking through my passport. She asked "What visa did they give you? Tourist visa? OK." And that was IT. So much for that visa nightmare I had to go through. PFFFFFFFT!

I was given a small sheet of shala guidelines, which I found really handy. I mean, I knew Fridays are led classes, but I didn't realize Sundays are too! And there are 2 led sessions on Friday, so you need to be given your timeslot for that day too.


I had to fill up another form in the meantime, then Sharath appeared and went into his office which is right inside the shala. We all took our forms and went and lined up outside his office. If you're in the practice room and looking in front at the stage, his office is a little room to the left of the stage. Pretty cute! I was quite surprised that he handles all registrations personally - down to counting out your money using one of those note-counters they have in the banks! Because the Indian Rupees go into the tens of thousands, you're dealing with wads of cash at any point in time. A note counter is handy for this!

I dunno what I was expecting, but I'd heard so many people's stories of how Sharath has such a great memory for people. I'd taken a 2-week workshop with him in Sydney in 2009 (you can read the series of posts tagged "Sharath in Sydney"), and though I shared a moment with him in Sirsasana then, there's NO WAY he would've remembered that now. Plus, I'm a Mysore virgin, so this is really my first time properly practicing with him! Once I was in his office, I kinda felt like I was in the Headmaster's office. Y'know... Awkward and shy and not really knowing what to say. HAHAHAHAHAHA! (I feel like an idiot admitting this). I dunno what possessed me to say "Erm... I took your workshop in Sydney last year." He simply nods. Then tells me how much I owe for one month of classes.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

He's extremely shy and reserved. I guess I don't know him, right. Ha. Then he says "You start 6.30am tomorrow" and hands me my shala pass.



After that, I joined the others in the shala for the Sunday conference. There was a special guest speaker, AG Mohan, whom Sharath affectionately called "AG Mohan-ji". Yup, the dude who wrote the book on "Krishnamacharya - His life and teachings". He's much older, with a full head of white hair and a matching white beard, but was so sparkly and full of life. He had a really bright quality about him. In typical conference fashion, he spoke briefly about Krishnamacharya and the Vinyasa Krama method then opened the floor up to a Question & Answer session.

I'm not really going to do the conference much justice by talking about it coz I only remember bitty pieces from it (I wasn't taking notes!) He just struck me as a spritely man who looked like the Cheshire Cat in Alice in Wonderland when he smiled, which was often!

Moving onto this morning's practice report, my first practice in Mysore!!

So I got there 15 minutes earlier than my given time (as instructed on the sheet of Shala Guidlines. I follow rules, remember?) This means it was 15 minutes earlier than shala time, a full half-hour earlier in regular time. There were probably about 4 or 5 people waiting in the foyer before me. Can I just say... Just sitting there, peeking through the one open door at the people practising inside, and just listening to all the deep, Ujjayi breathing - the only audible sound in the room - just being there, witnessing it all in action gave me such a thrill and a tingle in my spine. I'm an idiot, I know. I felt like a kid in a candy store just sitting there gaping in awe, at the simple fact that I was HERE.

Oh, and then I spotted someone I think I recognize from one of Govindakai's Led Intermediate videos on YouTube. I'm sure you'd know who I'm talking about too. I would post the video here to show you who, but that would just kick over into ULTIMATE yogadorkydom. So I'm not doing it. BAHAHAHAHA!

Sharath comes out and says to the guy next to me "Too crowded today. You come back at 7.30". I wasn't sure if he was referring to the guy only or to me too. After the guy leaves, Sharath comes out again and says to me "You also - You Saraswati's student?" And I said "No. I'm YOUR student." Of course in my head I'm a bit annoyed, thinking "WTF?! You just registered me yesterday! And and and... We had a moment in Sirsasana in Sydney! Am I THAT forgettable?!!!" But then he says "OK, you sit and wait". So... Phew! All is forgiven. :)

My friend who goes to Mysore every year told me "try not to get a spot in between the carpets or you'll be unbalanced." The floor in the shala is marble and they lay thick rugs over each other. There's a point where the carpet edges line up on top of each other and create a long line of carpet-bump. So of course on my first day there, the first spot that opens up when Sharath calls out "One more!" has to be a spot right in the middle of the room, right on the spot where the carpets line up. I brought my thinner Manduka ProLite mat with me instead of the regular black mat, and after laying the mat on the floor, I could still see the big line bump down the middle of my mat. ARGHHHHHHH! I ended up practising on the side edges of my mat during the standing poses, to avoid an uneven floor. HAHAHA.

So then I start my practice and HOLY. HELL'S. TITS.

I finished Full Primary without being stopped by anyone. HOLY. FUCKING. HELL'S. TITS!!! I still can't quite believe it!!!!!

Sharath and Saraswati are adjusting, along with another 2 or 3 assistants, all look like foreigners. I got an assist in Utthita Hasta Padangusthasana, and was left alone until Supta Kurmasana. I was already dreading Supta K by the time I got to Mari D. I got all nervous and anxious in my belly thinking "Dammit, I can't bind Supta K on my own anymore! What's gonna happen?!" Then I caught my monkey mind and had to tell myself to "STOP IT! Just be here NOW."

When I got to Kurmasana, one breath into it and someone had come round and was helping me stretch deeper into it. This automatically led to them binding my hands and legs in the Supta version. While I can no longer bind on my own, once I'm assisted into the pose, I'm OK and can hang out in it. I got flipped up and managed to lift myself up into the Dwi-Pada vinyasa-out exit. Extremely sloppily, but I did it.


Then I continued to Garbha Pindasana, found a water spray and carried on... And I couldn't believe nobody stopped me. Sharath was assisting the person right next to me at this point, and I was expecting him to yell out something like "You! What do you think you're doing?" but HE DIDN'T!! WOOHOOOOOOOOO! I don't know how this is determined, coz I've heard that sometimes they ensure you can bind on your own before they'll let you move on, but other people have said sometimes even if you need help being bound, as long as you can remain bound on your own they'll move you on. I guess I fell into the latter group. I am sooooooooooo not complaining!!! ;p

The next time I had an assist was after backbends. I'd heard that after your 3rd backbend, you're expected to stand up on your own before getting to dropbacks. I have never in my life done this before. I've always only stood up from dropbacks, after the back's been opened up a bit more. Today, I thought I'd attempt to stand up cold from the 3rd backbend anyways. FAAAAAARK. It's terribly hard! My back felt so stiff and my body felt like it had no clue what to do with itself. On my second attempt, I stood up and dropped to my knees. HAHAHA!

Then Saraswati hovered around me at dropbacks. I told her "Can I try on my own first?" And she nodded. I thought it was pretty sweet that Saraswati was the one who had helped me get my first dropback EVER in Sydney, and here I was in Mysore on Day 1 and she was assisting me with them again. :)

Here's the thing. I'm used to hanging back 3 times and generally faffing around a bit before dropping back. While Saraswati was watching over me, I hung back half way, then came back up again. She said "You bend your knees some more and go down to the floor".

Dammit. I think she wasn't allowing me to hang back! FAAAAAAAAAAARK!

So then I went for it on the next go. My heels lifted before I landed. Oh well. And then she made me do it a second time and a third with PRACTICALLY NO BREAK IN BETWEEN! Bloody hell. I NEED TO FAFF IN BETWEEN DROPBACKS!!! Y'know, just to catch my breath a bit; Wipe the sweat off my brow a bit! Y'know... FAFF!! Saraswati was really knocking the wind out of me! She helped pull me back up again so at least I could "cheat" and not attempt to stand back up on my own. HAHA. After the third one, she said "Day after tomorrow, you stand up on your own" (it's Moon day tomorrow). OK Lady, I shall try.

By the time she came to Chakrabandasana I was super exhausted and wasn't trying very hard at all, I felt like I was going to die. She had to say "walk hands in" twice before I did it, coz I was just refusing to. Haha.

Before I knew it, backbends were over. It was probably the fastest turnaround of backbends I've ever managed. I don't think this was actually good for me though, coz I was super lightheaded and felt like I was gonna pass out. I quickly grabbed my things and headed to the Changing Room for the rest of the Finishing poses. I remember thinking "FUCK IT!!! I'm cheating and just lying in Savasana. Fuck the shoulderstands and headstands, who's gonna know?!"

HAHAHA! I can be a petulant child.

It's dark in the changing room, but I could still see the marble floor in there was covered in damp moisture from everyone cooling down. YUUUUUUUCK! I lay there for a couple minutes then thought "Who am I really cheating but myself", then proceeded to do my finishing postures. HAHAHA. I probably raced through them pretty quickly but at least I got them finished. Heh. By the time I surfaced, it was 8am. I have no idea what time I started, but it was probably just a little after 6.30am. HUH?! I finished Full Primary in just under 1.5 hours?! It felt like waaaaaaaaay longer than that. Plus, I lay in Savasana for what felt like a LONG time. I dunno, I'm beginning to have ZERO concept of time in Mysore.

After practice, I had TWO coconuts from the infamous coconut guy outside the shala. I think I was too spaced out to take a photo. That, plus I was probably more embarassed to be caught with my touristy camera. Heh.

WOW, I sure can ramble when given the time to blog! And here in Mysore, time is what I've got a lot of! HAHAHA! Sorry for the long and navel-gazing post. This kinda helps me process the experience too.

Have a Happy Moon Day tomorrow! I have no idea what the heck I'll be doing. :)

-----

Dropback Win or Meditation Fail?

In my quest to try new things and meet new people in this town (or rather, "cosmopolitan village" that is Amsterdam)... I've come across this pretty rad site, meetup.com.

NO! IT IS NOT A DATING SITE!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Basically - if you key in your city and a topic that interests you, you could very well stumble across different groups of people with similar interests who are organising meet ups in your area. Everything from foodies to movie-buffs to kirtan-chanters to vegans to girlie-groups (groups made up of all women - No, not pop-singer-girl-groups!) are represented in my little city. I'm still pretty new to it so I haven't had the chance to check them all out yet. Seems like a pretty good way to get out there and finally make friends OUTSIDE OF WORK! (Contrary to popular belief, I'm actually quite the hermit, preferring my own company at home. And this site seems like a good approach).

I found a meditation group on the site. It's advertised as "Buddhist Meditation" and kinda sorta put me off at first. I don't like things that are overtly/ in-your-face "religious", if that makes sense. But then I decided to keep an open mind and see if perhaps I could pick up more tools in my toolkit to "still my monkey mind".


So I checked it out last night. On entering the place, I was greeted by not one, but TWO monks in full robes! BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Okaaaaaay.

*Keep an open mind*

I should interject here that: I have NO CLUE about Buddhism. My entire family is pretty much Christian and I grew up in a Christian household. Before my grandmother converted to Christianity, I remember she used to have a Buddhist altar at home, with joss sticks burning and lots of food offerings. My only "knowledge" of Buddhism is really an impression... Or rather, an image of gold Buddha idols. And er... that's pretty much it. I'm a little embarrassed to admit I actually don't know anything about its theology. I should add, however, I have come to fully embrace the belief that there are many paths to one light (much to my Christian family's dismay). To me, there is NO SUCH THING AS "MY GOD IS BETTER THAN YOUR GOD."

I guess what made me a bit wary of the Buddhist angle in this meditation class is probably precisely because of my Christian indoctrination from a young age. Funny that - My view of "God" now is so much bigger than how the Bible defines its "Christian God"... And yet, I still carry the remnants of... what is it? Mistrust? Suspicion? of ALL kinds of "organized religion". (I just hate it when people try to shove their point-of-view down your throat. Y'know... I'm happy being a gentile, thanks! Don't judge me coz I don't share your beliefs!)

Now that I've put things in a bit of context, back to my meditation class story.

What immediately clicked when the class started though, was the teacher-monk started off with "Many people ask me if Buddhism is a religion or a philosophy. Frankly, if you ask me, I really don't know what it is. All I can say is that for me, it's a method to find happiness in life."

WOW! What a totally cool monk! (I never thought I'd ever utter a phrase like that in my life! "A cool monk"?! WTF? HAHAHA!) That immediately helped drop all my wariness. And I could just get on with why I was there in the first place: to learn about meditation.

We started off with a preliminary meditation exercise - similar to how you'd ground and centre yourself before a yoga class. Coming to a place of stillness, observing the breath as you inhale and exhale. Umm... my monkey mind immediately went to thoughts of "I really NEED to go to an Osteopath. Can feel this imbalanced pelvis!"

... ... ...

After that centering exercise, he began to explain that there are 21 Lamrim meditation exercises in total and today's would be on the 4 Noble Truths of the Buddha. A lot of it kind of overlapped with some yogic philosophy. And it was at this point I really got lost. I think I caught myself thinking "OK, here goes with the Buddhist teachings, blahblahblah..." To be honest, I thought he was talking about the "4 NOVEL Truths"... Until much later on that I realized he was talking about the "Noble" truths. I'm a terrible student.

And then you know what I was doing? I ended up thinking about dropbacks.

I was sitting in the middle of a meditation class and there I was, thinking of being in a gloriously deep, long, hangback. With arms outstretched, I was imagining grounding strongly through my legs, pushing the hips as far forward as they could go, stretching those hip flexors... then opening up the space between each vertabra as I was ever-so-slowly, with control... bringing my hands down to the floor. With straight feet, grounded to the floor the whole time (coz I tend to lift my heels on landing).


I mean... WTF, right?

He pretty much lost me after that. After explaining the 4 noble truths, we went into another meditation session, but the whole time with my eyes closed, I was practising hangbacks in my mind. I was practising the PERFECT DROPBACK. No splayed feet. No raised heels. Just a glorious opening in every part of the body.

Dhyana, Seventh Limb of Yoga: EPIC FAIL!!!!!

I was obviously still stuck on the Third Limb, Asana. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Claudia's just done her poll on dropbacks - Did you do them before or after Intermediate? (I had to dropback AND stand up from backbends before I was given Intermediate). If she's not obsessing about dropbacks, I obviously am! I actually really enjoy them, now that I'm into the dropback groove and kinda-sorta over the fear of bonking my head on the floor. HA!

I'm not really sure what I learned from the meditation class, or if I will go again. Think I'll need to give this a couple days to sink in first!

-----

Everyday is Different

I surprised myself in this morning's practice. Firstly, the fact that I actually rolled out of bed and got on the mat was a feat! HAHAHA!

After writing last night's post, I was inspired to do a short practice at 11pm (?!?) - nothing fancy, just half an hour of Suryas, forward bends and lots of pigeon variations. Then a bit more Pranayama. I figured that would be good to unwind before bedtime.

It had the opposite effect.

I was so wired, I was bug-eyed, staring at the ceiling till 3.30am. I had set my alarm for 6.30am to start practice. On any other day, I would've just given up and thought "Sod it. I need more sleep" and gone back to bed.

But something kept prompting me to GET ON THAT MAAAAAAAAT!!!

I was completely dreading it coz the last few attempts as you well know by now, were just terribly unfocused and painful on the foot. Once again, inspired by Fran's comment on yesterday's post, I thought I'd just plod along through the entire Primary series, modifying as I went along whenever my foot hurt.

I had a brilliant practice! Had to modify whenever any standing pose required lifting of the arches - eg. In Trikonasana, I couldn't grab my big toe on the left side without the arch hurting, so just placed hand higher up on the shin. That worked.

Utthita Hasta Padangusthasana was impossible with a full extended right leg - standing fully on just the left foot was too much to handle (I have flat feet, so this pose is extra hard work on my arches!)... But this was OK with a bent leg/ holding the knee (like when you first start out learning the pose). That worked.

So it was kinda cool, taking it from a "let's see what I can do. If I can't, let's see how else I can do it" approach.

The absolute kicker was - Backbends were incredibly open - from the first one, it felt like I'd already done all the Intermediate series backbends before and opened up the back. I haven't ever felt such an openness in the back after practicing only the Primary series. And this led to 3 amazing dropbacks as well as standing up from backbends.

WHOOOOOOOOOOOPPPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I haven't lost them this time. (Still can't find the Supta K bind though...)


(In no way do I look like this as I'm dropping back, but it definitely FELT like it was this open. And holy-cow how beautiful is this shot!)

Funny how the body seems more physically able on less sleep (didn't Susan & Kevin talk about this before?) ...But I wonder if this could also be because I was practicing with no expectations today, going along with the flow.

I like how everyday is different with this practice. How can anyone say Ashtanga's "boring" coz it's the "same thing" every day?

Where Does Time Go?

This evening, I came home from work and busted out a spontaneous act of Primary series. I haven't practiced Ashtanga in... oh fuck it, who's counting how many weeks now.

I've averaged ONE vinyasa class a week in the past few weeks. LAME-O.

I'm trying to find my new routine in this town. Life takes on a whole different perspective when you think you're living in a place temporarily versus living there for... well... not quite forever (I don't think?) but at least for the next few years (I think?)

Work has been hectic (was in Manchester last week - in and out in 24 hours. BAM!) ...Thank goodness the Portland, Oregon trip this week got dropped, but I'm still going to London town next week.

And now that I've changed gears in my head to "growing roots in Amsterdam", I'm kicking my ass out of the house in an effort to be more social and actually make friends. From my last few posts, you'd think I'm quite the social butterfly. Let me be the first to admit the first few trips out of cosy Beige Heaven was a draaaaaaaaaag. I'm quite happy pottering around on my own and living in my head. And on this blog. Haha.

But well... If I'm gonna be here a while, I better damn well get out there and make an effort. Right? (Which kind of explains why I've been quiet here. Something's gotta give!!)

So evenings and weekends have been uncharacteristically social. I've been out practically every night in the past week. Mid last week, a bunch of workmates decided to go bar-hopping, and I got home at 1am. And then decided to bust out a spontaneous practice on my mat after that. Not quite the full Ashtanga series, but I finished at 2am! HAHAHA! (Liz: didn't you practice super late into the wee hours before too? ...but yours was a "proper" practice. I was just doing what I liked. Heh.)

At this point in life, I figure: it's the best time of year to be in Amsterdam, I might as well make the most of it... so life has taken precedence over getting on my mat. Surprisingly, I'm not beating myself up over it coz I guess I've practiced long enough to know that it goes in cycles... I'm tipping over on the other end of the scale (Yeah, this could be figuratively and quite literally too! Felt a belly-roll in Parsvakonasana tonight! EEK!) And at some point I'm trusting that I'll go back to finding that balance in weaving my asana practice seamlessly back into living life. I'm still living the yoga, it's just much less about asana at this point! (I'm such a DORK.)

Oh. With all this socializing, I'm not even gonna get into the minefield that is making friends (like really: platonic friends) with a straight, single guy. It's such a mind-fuck coz some how I don't think that platonic friendships work with straight, single guys if they know you're single too. It's just so loaded. These are times when a girl just needs a gay-boyfriend (More fun + zero awkward loadedness). But wait - this is a whole different post altogether.

Noticeable points in today's practice: I've lost the bind in Supta Kurmasana. My fingertips brushed against each other, but the harder I tried to reach, the further away they got. Then I made a mental note to JUST LET GO and let it be. It will come back again when it does.

After backbends, I decided to try dropbacks. The first two were rubbish - I ended up dropping down to my knees (Don't ask me how trying to dropback lands you in the opposite direction!) ...Again, mental note not to rush it since it's been a while since I last dropped back. I just thought of slowly opening up the space between each vertabra and just doing hangbacks halfway... and on the third try, I dropped down to the floor.

Standing back up again is completely lost. I kept falling to my knees and it was the weirdest sensation coz it was like my entire body had forgotten what to do with itself in order to haul itself back up. I kept thinking "Navel to the sky!" which usually helps me lift back up again... But I just fell onto my knees!

Lost count how many dropbacks I did in order to stand back up again... But I did them over and over again, maybe about 10 just coz I felt like it. It was kind of cool observing myself from a distance - I had no goal to reach. I was just trying it to see where I ended up, with lots of breaks in between each. I still ended up on my knees every single time. (Also made a mental note that I had to keep on the Primary series for a while till I get my stamina back AND dropback/stand up again before going back to Intermediate.)

After practice, I made dinner, looked at the clock and was like... WTF? 11.30pm?!

Late night yoga probably isn't a good idea in building some kind of life+practice routine... but going out till late also isn't a good idea in building some kind of life+practice routine (if I'm thinking of getting back into a morning practice).

Oh well. Just got to keep up the practice and I guess all is coming. Oh look, I have a dinner-party invitation tomorrow night (Yes, I'm the other "Plus One". Both "Plus Ones" are girls. PHEW!)... Guess an evening practice is out of the question now! ;p

Back On The Mat: A Boring Practice Report

I *FINALLY* dragged my sorry arse outta bed at 6am today to get to the new shala. I had to resort to the old mantra I used in Sydney to get myself outta bed at 4.45am in the middle of winter: "Don't think. Just go. Don't think. Just go. Don't think. Just go."

So I guess compared to 4.45am, I'm having it good here by getting an extra 1hr 15mins of sleep!

This was my first official morning Mysore practice at a shala in Amsterdam. Whoop! Whoop! They've just started morning classes on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.

Guess what?

...the teacher was late.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

What is it about the Dutch and early mornings that just don't go together?

To her credit, she was only a couple minutes late, but I had that sinking feeling in the pit of my belly... y'know... "Oh no. No class today? What am I gonna do now? Go back to Beige Heaven and practice on my slanted living room floor?"

Turns out I was the only student in class today.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

See what I mean about the Dutch and early mornings?

I'm not complaining at all! It was like having a private session all by myself. Since it's Friday and I haven't really been practising much Ashtanga (just a few vinyasa-flow classes now and again)... it was purely Primary series today. I had been dreading this day. Y'know... the first day back on the mat after a looooooooong break from it.

Surprisingly, I wasn't too wiped out and all the binds are still there (YAYYYYYYYYY!)

This teacher is only here during the summer, but I like her. She left me to my own devices a lot of the time, and what impressed me was she left me alone in Utthita Hasta Padangustasana too. There've been many other blog posts by other Ashtangis about how this asana is probably one of the most over-assisted poses, and I agree. Sometimes you just need to be left alone to have time to figure out how it works and how you'll do an asana on your own.

I was expecting she'd come over to hike my leg higher in UHP, but nope, she just sat and observed. I liked that. But then when it came the left side, I got distracted and as I was swinging the leg out to the left, I kept falling over. Then we both started laughing and I said "Too much pressure!" Hehe. I just kept thinking of Susan's comment way back when I realized Beige Heaven's living room floor is slanted on an incline... And Susan mentioned wouldn't it be funny if I got used to practising on a slope, then once on level ground I'd tip over to the left.

Well... That happened today! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(Dudes, that picture is from an awesome site, Bush Yoga. "Here, you will find the ex-leader of the free world demonstrating a variety of ancient yoga poses." HAHAHA!)

The only other observation about practice today was with dropbacks. I am picking up a nasty bad habit with this. Because I haven't practiced dropbacks all these weeks, I was afraid of bonking my head on the floor. And I've taken to lifting the heels up as I'm going down. I never used to do this before, but coz it makes the descent easier (Look Ma! No need to ground the legs!) and also takes less work in slowing the descent... I've been lazy and cheating.

Also couldn't nail the standing-up-from-backbends. The first attempt I just collapsed back down on the mat. The second attempt, I came up and landed on my knees. The third attempt, I kinda got up but had a major dance around the mat looking for my balance. So... I guess they got better at each attempt and if I'd pushed a fourth time I might have got there. But... Fuck it, it's Friday and my first time back on the mat in a few weeks. GO EASY! (and I'm lazy too). ;p

I just kept thinking of a Twitter-pal's comment on backbends. @ruechel has said "Backbends are like pancakes. The first two are no good." HAHAHA!

By the time I was packing up to go, 2 more students walked in to start their practice. I guess Amsterdammers really prefer a later start to their day.

Have a Happy Friday and get blasted this weekend, everyone! (On Sunday, we will SMASH THEM SPANIARDS. Listen to me, I think football is retarded but I'm getting into the vibe here already.)

*KWA KWA KWA*

Hello from London!

An interesting thing happened at practice this morning. I was back at AYL with teacher H. He seems to be "my" teacher in the past month or so... only coz I've been the most "consistently" practicing with him since uprooting my life from my last teacher in Sydney in February. I've gone to him now a few days out of every week in the past month, dependent on my work schedule while in London.

First, he corrects my Dhanurasana to Parsva Dhanurasanas. To be honest, I've always just gone direct from Dhanurasana after 5 breaths straight into Parsva Dhanurasana. Apparently you're supposed to vinyasa in between. OOPS. Guess I've gotten sloppy, or just forgotten, after having a very sporadic second series practice.

And then... Guess What? The International Laghuvajrasana Conspiracy continues.

Yup, that's right folks. He made me do it again and again and again too. Just like my teacher in Sydney, and teacher James in Singapore did too. BUT! He was much kinder in "allowing" to stay down for one breath every time I got down.

Have I ever mentioned how OVER IT I am with Laghu? I must have.

*I will not curse and swear again at Laghuvajrasana*

Actually, today I wasn't angry with the pose. I was more defeated by the pose. If my practice had a gaming sound effect, it would be the GAME OVER *Kwa Kwa Kwa* sound effect.

H explained that while Ustrasana is the backbend that prepares you for Kapotasana, Laghuvajrasana is the leg-strengthener that prepares you for Kapotasana (in essence: STOP TRYING TO BACKBEND INTO IT!) He tried something a little different from the other teachers today. He told me to try it kneeling with my knees closer together, and feet slightly further apart. And he also said it's OK to have my elbows a little bit bent as I'm going down as long as both arms are completely firm and strong. Kinda like this I suppose?

(Photo credit here)

My brain to body is not quite connecting this information yet, I think. I think I'm still trying to get my head around THIS IS NOT A BACKBEND! Coz I tend to puff my chest out a bit as I'm going down. But look! Even the dude in the picture above kinda sorta has a backbend.

BLERGGHHHHHHHHHHH. I fucking hate this pose. It confuses the bejeezus out of me. Can you tell? You guys have given so many great comments too in the past. But now it feels like I'm having a "computer says No" moment.

Teacher H could tell. By the time he came over to help me with assisted dropbacks, he said "You're trying too hard in Laghuvajrasana". "Just grab the heels firmly and press feet into the floor."

Right.

I'm definitely hitting the brick wall now and ready to thrown in the towel. I've said it a million times over and I'll say it again: FUCK YOU, LAGHU!! I also know I just have to give in to this frustration and just practice, practice, practice and at some point I will stop caring. By this I mean that I will stop trying too hard. And ironically, it will be the day I stop caring, hence stop trying too hard, that I come to a breakthrough with this pose. I know it coz it has happened before in many other poses before this. But still... even though it's all still head knowledge I can't help feeling what I feel with this GODDAMNBLOODYFUCKINGANNOYING asana.

Sorry. *I will not curse and swear again at Laghuvajrasana*

At the end of class today, I thanked him for his feedback and also told him I haven't had a regular teacher I've been going to since I've been in Amsterdam. H said "Yes, I can tell." Wow. The force is with him. Also - it made me think... Has my practice become THAT sloppy since leaving Sydney?

Farkin ell.

*Kwa Kwa Kwa* Today's practice is a very defeated one indeed. But I just gotta keep reminding myself: it's just today. Tomorrow is another day and another practice.

Two Learnings From On the Mat

Hi again from London. It's been busybusybusy since Tuesday when we got here, but I managed to squeeze in a blog post today. Hurray!

Warning: This is gonna be a boring magnifying-glass-on-my-practice post today.

I went to AYL today for the first practice I've had in about a week since I came down with a cold last week. Was severely dreading it since... well... the first practice after a break is always a tough one, innit.

I was pleasantly surprised. And came away with 2 new things I learned today.

The first is: I make a lot of excuses for my dropbacks. HAHA. I always think "If I haven't practiced Intermediate, my dropbacks are going to be lousy coz my back isn't as open." Or... "Since I haven't practiced in a while, my dropbacks are going to be lousy." Y'know.. generally being defeated before I've even tried it. And today I wonder how much of that is true and how much of it is just a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Since today's the day before the moon day, it's Primary practice only... Which suited me just fine. By the time I came to backbends, I was already thinking "OK, I don't think I'll do dropbacks today, just backbends." Y'know... thinking I'd take it easy since it's the first practice back on the mat after a week. Besides, my dropbacks are ALWAYS terrible after a break from practice for < insert whatever back/ chest opening reason/ excuse here >.

But somehow after backbends I decided "Screw it, I'm here now, I might as well try, right". I mean - the first time I was at AYL, I'd bonked my head on the floor in the first dropback ever... so what did I have to lose now. The first dropback was OK - I was just so afraid to bonk my head on the floor that I lifted my heels just as I reached the floor. But I did it. Standing back up again was a little sloppy, with a bit of a backward bounce as I stood up. But I did it.

Okaaaay. That was different. Usually the first one is the worst one, and that didn't turn out too badly. The other 2 progressed along rather uneventfully too. So... I did it. No fanfare, but the self-realization that so much of the "I can't do this or that without first going through some other ritual" is all just stuff I've made up in my head. Reasons I give myself that hold me back from just getting on with it.

So... From now on, I don't really have an excuse not to do dropbacks, nor expect they'll be crap and not try. Right?

The second realization is more of a physical-body one. I need to get me back to an Osteopath, pronto.

Today, my backbends didn't feel terribly tight, but they felt extremely off. "OFF" in the crooked sense. I have this pelvic rotation which leads to a slight scoliosis in my tailbone... So I'm always a little bit OFF in the spine somehow, but today felt especially MORE OFF. As in: In the backbend, it felt like I was pushing more through my left side and had to work hard at getting the left heel to stay grounded on the floor. It felt absolutely crooked.

After dropbacks, Teacher H came round to help me with assisted dropbacks. On the final one where I dropped all the way back to the floor and walked hands in, he did something a little different - put his arm under my left back and pulled on it. That gave me an instant "A-HA!" moment. What kind of A-HA... I have NO IDEA, but it felt like an expansion in the left side and it almost felt a little weirdly crooked.

When I came back up again, H asked me "You have one leg shorter than the other?" ...At this point I need to digress and say that question stung me in a really weird place. I felt awkwardly imperfect and exposed and a bit embarrassed. Yeah, it was a completely harmless observation about my body but I felt really inadequate (I know, like WTF, right? I was amazed I had that kind of a strong, weird reaction too)

So anyway, I explained about my pelvic rotation which gets my left sacrum stuck and yes, it gets my left leg a bit shorter sometimes (usually an Osteo or Chiro can sort the sacrum out and the legs are the same length again). H had seen it in my last backbend and what he did was straighten my back out. That was the weird expansion on my left side that also felt crooked, of all things (even though I was technically straight). It's all relative, right... when you've been used to "crooked" feeling "normal" for a while... then when things go back to "normal" they won't immediately feel "normal" again. Know what I mean. But I felt a split-second high.

It was kinda cool seeing just how crooked I am, in a yoga environment. I mean, usually it's the other way around... where I'm on the Osteopath's table trying to make sense of what's going on within the pelvis, trying to envisage it working in 3D. This time I felt it all working in the body.

So... yeah, I think because I haven't been to an Osteopath since moving to Amsterdam, it's all gone wonky all over again. Sigh.

Sorry for the long and boring post. They're just my very personal insights from today.

Intermediate Rocks And Sucks At Once

I'm realizing now that the Ashtanga Intermediate Series makes me ANGRY.

Like... balls-out PISSED OFF.

Not at anything in particular, but I think more at the series itself. "GODDAMNSTOOPIDBACKBENDS! WHY DO THERE HAVE TO BE SOOOOOOOOO MANY BLOODY BACKBENDS? And then finished off with EVEN MORE closing backbends, MORE dropbacks and MORE assisted dropbacks?!? Why the heck did anyone think up all of this?!"

As they say in Mandarin: TA MA DE! (translation: Your Mother!) Goodness gracious, I'm not even well into the series yet, can you imagine when I get even further?

It was pretty apparent coz it's been A WHILE since I've practiced the second series. I've just been concentrating on the Primary series since I've been travelling and have had an irregular practice.

So on Sunday, Susan said to go up to wherever I felt like I could, since I was hesitant if I should even be going past Primary yet. I figured since I was at a shala with teacher assistance, I might as well take the opportunity and go for it.

I got up to Parsva Dhanurasana and everything in me just yelled STOOOOOOOOOP!

So I stopped. (Not stooped. Ha.)

On Sunday, I was OBLITERATED up to there. I knew I had 2 more poses to go, but thought: Fuck it.

This morning at AYL, I tried again all the way up to Laghuvajrasana. By the time I was at Ustrasana, I thought I was ready to yell out loud. At what, I have no idea. I probably wanted to shout: THIS IS TOO DIFFICULT!!

By the time I was done with all of it, I lay down on my mat before the closing backbends for a while to catch my breath. And that's when I got totally and completely BALLS OUT ANGRY. It's pretty funny now, thinking about it. I probably would've thrashed around in a temper tantrum, kicking and screaming in a rage if no one else was around. I think the thought of doing MORE closing backbends, dropbacks and assisted dropbacks also didn't help my irritation.

OK, so maybe backbends brings up all this stuff... Maybe I'm full of latent anger. HAHA. You know what? I vaguely recall going through this when I was first given intermediate. And I even found the post from then to prove it. This is very interesting. It's like I hit the rewind button coz I'm going through THE SAME EMOTIONS all over again.

This sucks.

Where's The Reset Button Again?

So I had to leave Cape Town for Amsterdam this past weekend. Work commitments for a big, tough week this week mean I'll be missing Kelly's dad's Memorial tomorrow. :(

I calculated that every single week for the past 5 weeks or so, I've been in a completely different country. OK, so I've been rotating between the 3 cities - Singapore, Cape Town and Amsterdam (and if you count my starting point as Sydney when this whole journey began, then that makes it 4 cities/ countries).

It was kind of surreal jumping back on the plane to come back here. I thought I was flying South for some reason... but I'd already done that the week before, so I was really flying North this time. And because I was so disoriented by the time I rocked up to my '80s Beige Heaven apartment in Amsterdam, I decided to roll out my yoga mat after unpacking.

I was convinced I could do a full Primary practice (after a 12-hour flight, without having practiced at all the previous week, except for the short practice I'd had in the Schipol Airport Meditation Centre the week before). HAHAHA. I got up to Paschimottanasana, and that was it. It felt like I needed more backbends and forward bends after that, so that's what I did.

And the tears came. I think I was just relieved to finally be on my mat again. Or maybe I was just relieved that I could finally be in one place for a longer period than a few days or for more than even one week. Or maybe it was grief at Kelly's dad's passing. Or maybe it was finally letting go of everything in the past month or so that had made its way at me, fast and furiously.

Interestingly, even though I got up to Paschimottanasana "only", it was a really good practice. Ha! Take that, EGO.

Yesterday, I went to check out the only shala in town that has early morning Mysore ONCE A WEEK. While I might have bitched and moaned about it before, now I am grateful that there's at least this one place. Coincidentally, the teacher who takes this morning Mysore class was also there yesterday evening, and we had a nice chat. I like her. She only teaches this one morning class, so I dunno why she was there yesterday evening. Maybe to tell me that I should get my bum outta bed tomorrow and get to her class before work. :)

I'm excited coz the space looks really beautiful. This is it, taken from their website:


Inspired by this, I got outta bed early this morning and finally practiced the full Primary series in my living room. Self practice is hard. I got up a few times to blow my nose, but that was the only physical distraction. The mental chatter was pretty loud initially, but that also died down towards the end.

Every single dropback had a bonk-on-the-head landing, and I could only stand up properly from backbends ONCE out of all 3 attempts. Wow. I wonder how long it'll be before I get them back to how they used to be.

I think for the rest of this week I'll keep practising the Primary series (at the shala tomorrow, then in my living room for all the other days), and I'll get back to the Intermediate series from Sunday.

There, I think I've just worked out some kind of self-practice plan. Dammit. Self-practice is hard.

Where Am I Again?

It's about 3.40am and I've been up for an hour already. Must be a case of jetlag. Or moving stress. Or a general Where-the-heck-am-I-now syndrome. Insomniac. Insane in the membrane. I have KLF's song that goes "aaaaaall bound for moomoo land" playing in my head on repeat. Just that phrase of the song on repeat coz I dunno how the rest of the song goes. WTF?!?!

Hello from Singapore.

I was in town today, and it was a surreal experience. Like I had a case of dejavu. But wait. It wasn't dejavu. I had literally been in the same place in oh say about a week ago? I felt like I was in an episode of Twin Peaks or something.

I finally went to James' shala this morning. Oh wait, that's yesterday morning now, right? Yes, Wednesday morning.

And because I haven't had a full, regular practice in about a week and a half, I told him I was just gonna start with the Primary series and see how I feel. I've been on my mat almost everyday that I've been in Amsterdam, but I've just been doing short forms, 30 - 45mins worth of practice. Lots of forward bends and shoulderstands. It just felt like what I needed.

James said "Even if you feel like you can go on after the Primary series, don't. Just stop. You might feel OK now, but not tomorrow. Just do Intermediate from tomorrow instead." I take it as: Don't be a hero, just ground and restore. I really love this practice. It's so methodical. And it helps so much in a time of mad moving around.

I finished the full Primary series and was surprised how quickly one's stamina can go. Just like that. I mean, it took a bigger amount of effort to get through the series than usual. And it's not like I've even stopped doing a full practice for THAT long!! I could still "do" everything and get the binds and stuff, but my dropbacks and standing up from dropping back were absolute shocking. I haven't done these in oh say, about one week? (That's IT?! Such a difference in one week?!)

Standing up from the backbends was a MAJOR effort. I ended up hauling myself up by pretty much throwing myself forward to the point where I was running away from my mat when I stood up. Completely WRONG. Either that, or I ended up on my knees.

OH WELL. Tomorrow is another practice. I'm starting to ache in all the weird places now. And I have to be up for practice in... 2 hours. HAHAHA.

He pretty much left me to my own devices except after my 3 horrible attempts at dropbacks, he came to me and told me to dropback again, but this time keeping my hands in prayer in front of chest, then extend them in prayer as I'm going down, and just dropback with extended arms in prayer hands till the fingertips touch the floor. Then immediately come back up again, and make sure I don't put any weight at all in the hands or fingertips when I touch the floor (with prayer hands all the way). He was of course holding my legs firm and grounding the whole time.

WOW.

The first one was awkward - I was figuring out what the heck was going on and what I was "supposed" to be doing. Plus, there's also trusting that he'd hang onto me the whole time. The second time my rotated pelvis really felt majorly off, but James said "So what? Just extend through the chest, don't think about your pelvis." And the 3rd one felt like a beautiful opening. And my THIGHS. Them burning thighs.

I asked him what the point of that exercise was, where was I supposed to feel it? He replied "Well where did you feel it?" I said "My thighs". Then he replied "Then that's where you're supposed to be working."

Oh. So logical. Haha. I'm just concerned with the "right" way of doing it, but the point is the "right" way is different for different bodies. Depending on where you need to work harder. Er... I think?

There is something to be said about practising in a space with other people, though. Group energy is really helpful in getting you through a practice... I'm dreading the thought of returning back to Amsterdam and facing the living room (with shag carpet) on my own. So I'm just lapping up the time I've got here in a shala, with a teacher and with the group energy.

For now, the kitty-cat at home's keeping me company. It's nice to be in the company of a cat again too.

PS. I got Ustrasana & Laghuvajrasana Today

I think my Teacher's just cramming as many poses in as she can before I go.

HAHAHAHAHA.

Just when I was thinking today in that last Dhanurasana after the Parsva Dhanurasanas "OH! I have some strength to lift these legs higher!" and then gave it my all, she came round and said "Next pose".

Dammit. Should've saved some energy!

Ustrasana's OK. No problems here (er... I used to practice some Bikram, remember? You do it in every single class. Heh.)

Laghuvajrasana on the other hand... can go to hell. I have found my least favourite pose EVER. (I felt like screaming out today "LAGHU YOU PIECE OF SHIT ASANA! WHY WERE YOU EVER INVENTED?!??")

When I've practiced this pose before, you walked your hands to grab your knees (like how Swenson has it in his practice manual, if I can remember correctly.) (Sorry, all my yoga books are being shipped to Cape Town right now, I only have Maehle's on me).
Kinda like this:

(Picture credit here)

So you get more of a backbend.

But today, teacher insisted on having me keep my hands on calves and bring the head further back (kinda like where Arjuna's hands are in the pic above). So it's less of a backbend, more of a leg strengthener. HOLYMOTHEROF$#&(($%@#&(*%&. My legs were burning.

I was confused how/ where the hands should go and she got annoyed and kept saying "Keep your hands where they are!" I guess I kept fiddling with my hand position then she got even more fed up and also used Guruji's phrase "BAD LADY!" as a joke while she brought my hands back to where they should be again for the umpteenth time. It cracked me up WHILE I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE POSE and then of course everything went downhill.

I can go down but I can't come up. The amount of quad & core strength this takes blows my mind.

To top it off, she made me do it AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN... I think I must've done it about 4 or 5 times. On top of this, she showed me some variations for how to practice on my own to build leg strength for the coming-up part. And then she said "Do it again".

Farkin ell.

One of her Assistants was practising next to me and she said "Giles, show her!" Poor Giles had to stop where he was to do me a private demo... Bloody hell, he made it look so easy! Grrr.

Then after class she asked when I was flying - I said tomorrow night. She said I should just practice Primary only tomorrow then. Only a "light practice" when you've got big travel ahead of you. HAHAHAHAHA. Only in the world of Ashtanga is full Primary considered a "light practice". But after today's ass-whipping, I'll be looking forward to it.

This will probably be my last post from Sydney. I've gotta be the chambermaid now and spruce up this apartment (so the landlord has no reason not to give us back our full deposit), and then I'll be tearing around town tomorrow before handing back the keys and heading off to the airport. Probably no time to write I think.

I'll be home in Singapore on Wednesday and spending a few days here before heading off to Cape Town. Will be practicing at The Yoga Shala, so more of an ass-whipping lies ahead with Teacher J!

B'bye Sydney... You've been good to me (and heckuva lot of good to my yoga practice).

Post-Primary Wooden Backbends & More B'bye Sydney!

Yesterday's full primary practice sailed along nicely. The one thing that jumped out as feeling exceptionally different were my backbends (and dropbacks).

The backbends felt like a dead, straight plank of wood. I was like "EH?!?"

Wow, getting used to doing regular Urdvha Dhanurasana after all those Salabhasanas/ Dhanurasanas/ Parsva Dhanurasanas in intermediate MAKE SUCH A WORLD OF DIFFERENCE to how open your backbends feel later in the closing sequence.

I had stopped doing reverse-namaste hangbacks before dropbacks coz my back usually feels nicely cracked open already after all the intermediate backbends. But yesterday's full primary practice meant I had to go back to doing those reverse-namaste hangbacks coz I could feel even in my 3rd Urdvha Dhanurasana that my entire spine just felt so stiff.

And the dropbacks were also quite rubbish. I almost grazed my head on the floor the first couple of times. And this hasn't happened in quite a while, so I was like DOUBLE "EH?!?"

It reminded me of what a twitter pal, @ruechel said: "Backbends are like pancakes. The first 2 are no good." HAHAHAHA!

On Thursday, the office made me a farewell card. I look like the (naked) 50ft woman of Table Mountain. (See how they photoshopped my right shoulder coz there was actually someone next to me covering it? I have 2 left shoulders. My shoulders look like one of Victoria Beckham's pointy jacket outfits!)


And if you've been following me on Twitter, you'll no doubt have read all of my moaning and whining about getting used to the Nokia dumbphone and trying to soup it up to be more "Blackberry-esque".

BUT.

I am also grateful that at least I have a phone (with data connection capabilities, no less). Heh. Since it is an inherited phone, I came across some beautiful shots of Sydney that Kelly had taken when we first got here.

Seems pretty poetic that as I'm leaving here, I stumble across the photos we took when we first arrived.

Here's a gorgeous view of the QVB (aka Queen Victoria Building) and the rest of town at night, from our apartment window.


And views of the iconic Harbour Bridge & Opera House (while on the ferry ride to Manly).




Gorgeous! OK, maybe I should stop the whining. At least this phone takes better photos than the Blackberry did.