Commitment Takes Surrender And Being Present

There are milestones in life that one hits. I believe I just hit one today. I bought an apartment. Or rather, I signed a purchase contract, with the sale subject to the bank approving the mortgage. If all goes well, the transfer of the deed happens in a couple months.

PHEWWWWWWWW!!!! How very adult. *Gulp*

Here's my housing agent and notary. HAHAHA! Yes, we took photos.


Needless to say the past month has been filled with house viewings (33 in total), agonizing over what compromises have to be made (Location? Square area? Condition of the house? Price?) and it's been a whirlwind of endless questions I've been asking myself, my closest friends and family. Many apologies to the ones closest to me who've had to hear me agonize over the issues. I am seriously a nut case.

HAHAHA!

Of course, I already knew this. But I guess it was when my housing agent looked at one of the conditions in my initial offer and said "Well, that's refreshing! I've never come across this kind of request before!" ...That I realized that... OK, I might be more of a basket case than I thought. I had requested to spend ONE NIGHT in said apartment because I was fretting over the potential noise at night. The flat is on a busy street corner and even though it's got double-glazed windows, sound insulated floors AND I couldn't really hear much traffic noise during the day, I was getting anxiety attacks that what might seem OK in the day may turn out to be annoyingly LOUD at night.

Since the apartment had just been renovated with no one living in it, I figured that seemed like a fair request. I thought I could do a sleepover there with a friend who was up for it too. "Just like going camping!" she said. HAHAHA! (Oh, the naivety)

In Amsterdam there are rules that allow squatters to live in your house if they've somehow managed to get into it (don't ask me about the details coz I have no idea) - since this was a case with "squatter potential", the seller was having none of it, of course. So we settled on a night viewing instead where the seller's agent patiently waited 45 minutes for me at 9pm on a Friday night where I sat in silence in the master bedroom and meditated.

Uh huh. Like, seriously. That's what I did. I am laughing at my own anal retardedness and that someone was patient enough and willing to put up with my nonsense in the next room! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Apart from the occasional scooter VROOMING past loudly, the rest of the traffic is a dull hum of city noise. I reckon I love everything else about the house to let this one go. So... Ask me again a couple weeks after I've moved in, I might be kicking myself then. Hehe.

In considering all the future possibilities of this place (as one does when making this sort of "big commitment"), I got kinda carried away with worry and anxiety especially with the rent-control regulations here. Y'know... If I decided to leave and didn't want to sell it yet and had to rent it out then what happens if this, and what happens if that, and blah blah blah. I was running around in circles. My very kind housing agent answered all my neurotic questions patiently, giving advice that was one-part life coach and one-part motherly advice.

She reminded me to bring my yoga off the mat and live in the present. She's no yogi (or at least I have no idea if she is), but she pretty much told me something along the lines of "Look, you've been pretty smart about this place - checking this and checking that and thinking of things in the long term, more than what most of my other clients would've thought of. It's good that you're aware of all of these things. But at some point, no one can guarantee what's coming in the future or what your situation will be like then. Why are you buying a place? To live in now. Don't forget that you're living in the present. It's good that you've got your eye on the future possibilities and issues with the house, but down the road your situation might change, the regulations might change and you'll have to deal with it then when it happens anyway. So remember about being in the present too."

Ha! Well said, lady. I was gobsmacked. She was right. I had done enough worrying and contingency-planning. Occupational hazard of being a Producer, I suppose... I just wanted to ensure my arse was definitely covered. Two times over. But at some point when the numbers check out OK and all the other things on my things-to-worry-about checklist check out OK, let alone the fact that I'd actually found a house I'd fallen in love with... Then at some point I'd have to let go and surrender to the process and trust in the decision I've made.

So... I guess I'm buying a house then! :)

Even though it's been renovated on the inside, they left out the floor, kitchen and bathroom sink/ cabinets. I'm quite pleased with this since this means I'll get to customize what I want done with the place anyway. And you know this means a gazilion remodelling photos coming your way. (I've already started hunting. If you've been following my tweets, you'll know Ikea does my head in.)

Oh yeah, in the midst of all this, I'm also in pre-production on my next work project and we're in Prague at the end of the week for a shoot. Umm... With all this going on, I have no idea how I got here today. No wonder my face is breaking out, my sinuses are inflamed and my yoga practice in the past couple weeks has been non-existent except for some Pranayama (which hasn't helped the sinusitis either. I haven't been able to breathe through my nostrils in 5 days now). I still haven't gotten the hang of finding the balance between work, life and asana practice... Sigh.

BUT.

I am still ever so grateful for the little reminders to stay in the present. Like that reminder from my angel of a housing agent.

----

Where Does Time Go?

This evening, I came home from work and busted out a spontaneous act of Primary series. I haven't practiced Ashtanga in... oh fuck it, who's counting how many weeks now.

I've averaged ONE vinyasa class a week in the past few weeks. LAME-O.

I'm trying to find my new routine in this town. Life takes on a whole different perspective when you think you're living in a place temporarily versus living there for... well... not quite forever (I don't think?) but at least for the next few years (I think?)

Work has been hectic (was in Manchester last week - in and out in 24 hours. BAM!) ...Thank goodness the Portland, Oregon trip this week got dropped, but I'm still going to London town next week.

And now that I've changed gears in my head to "growing roots in Amsterdam", I'm kicking my ass out of the house in an effort to be more social and actually make friends. From my last few posts, you'd think I'm quite the social butterfly. Let me be the first to admit the first few trips out of cosy Beige Heaven was a draaaaaaaaaag. I'm quite happy pottering around on my own and living in my head. And on this blog. Haha.

But well... If I'm gonna be here a while, I better damn well get out there and make an effort. Right? (Which kind of explains why I've been quiet here. Something's gotta give!!)

So evenings and weekends have been uncharacteristically social. I've been out practically every night in the past week. Mid last week, a bunch of workmates decided to go bar-hopping, and I got home at 1am. And then decided to bust out a spontaneous practice on my mat after that. Not quite the full Ashtanga series, but I finished at 2am! HAHAHA! (Liz: didn't you practice super late into the wee hours before too? ...but yours was a "proper" practice. I was just doing what I liked. Heh.)

At this point in life, I figure: it's the best time of year to be in Amsterdam, I might as well make the most of it... so life has taken precedence over getting on my mat. Surprisingly, I'm not beating myself up over it coz I guess I've practiced long enough to know that it goes in cycles... I'm tipping over on the other end of the scale (Yeah, this could be figuratively and quite literally too! Felt a belly-roll in Parsvakonasana tonight! EEK!) And at some point I'm trusting that I'll go back to finding that balance in weaving my asana practice seamlessly back into living life. I'm still living the yoga, it's just much less about asana at this point! (I'm such a DORK.)

Oh. With all this socializing, I'm not even gonna get into the minefield that is making friends (like really: platonic friends) with a straight, single guy. It's such a mind-fuck coz some how I don't think that platonic friendships work with straight, single guys if they know you're single too. It's just so loaded. These are times when a girl just needs a gay-boyfriend (More fun + zero awkward loadedness). But wait - this is a whole different post altogether.

Noticeable points in today's practice: I've lost the bind in Supta Kurmasana. My fingertips brushed against each other, but the harder I tried to reach, the further away they got. Then I made a mental note to JUST LET GO and let it be. It will come back again when it does.

After backbends, I decided to try dropbacks. The first two were rubbish - I ended up dropping down to my knees (Don't ask me how trying to dropback lands you in the opposite direction!) ...Again, mental note not to rush it since it's been a while since I last dropped back. I just thought of slowly opening up the space between each vertabra and just doing hangbacks halfway... and on the third try, I dropped down to the floor.

Standing back up again is completely lost. I kept falling to my knees and it was the weirdest sensation coz it was like my entire body had forgotten what to do with itself in order to haul itself back up. I kept thinking "Navel to the sky!" which usually helps me lift back up again... But I just fell onto my knees!

Lost count how many dropbacks I did in order to stand back up again... But I did them over and over again, maybe about 10 just coz I felt like it. It was kind of cool observing myself from a distance - I had no goal to reach. I was just trying it to see where I ended up, with lots of breaks in between each. I still ended up on my knees every single time. (Also made a mental note that I had to keep on the Primary series for a while till I get my stamina back AND dropback/stand up again before going back to Intermediate.)

After practice, I made dinner, looked at the clock and was like... WTF? 11.30pm?!

Late night yoga probably isn't a good idea in building some kind of life+practice routine... but going out till late also isn't a good idea in building some kind of life+practice routine (if I'm thinking of getting back into a morning practice).

Oh well. Just got to keep up the practice and I guess all is coming. Oh look, I have a dinner-party invitation tomorrow night (Yes, I'm the other "Plus One". Both "Plus Ones" are girls. PHEW!)... Guess an evening practice is out of the question now! ;p

Back On The Mat: A Boring Practice Report

I *FINALLY* dragged my sorry arse outta bed at 6am today to get to the new shala. I had to resort to the old mantra I used in Sydney to get myself outta bed at 4.45am in the middle of winter: "Don't think. Just go. Don't think. Just go. Don't think. Just go."

So I guess compared to 4.45am, I'm having it good here by getting an extra 1hr 15mins of sleep!

This was my first official morning Mysore practice at a shala in Amsterdam. Whoop! Whoop! They've just started morning classes on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.

Guess what?

...the teacher was late.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

What is it about the Dutch and early mornings that just don't go together?

To her credit, she was only a couple minutes late, but I had that sinking feeling in the pit of my belly... y'know... "Oh no. No class today? What am I gonna do now? Go back to Beige Heaven and practice on my slanted living room floor?"

Turns out I was the only student in class today.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

See what I mean about the Dutch and early mornings?

I'm not complaining at all! It was like having a private session all by myself. Since it's Friday and I haven't really been practising much Ashtanga (just a few vinyasa-flow classes now and again)... it was purely Primary series today. I had been dreading this day. Y'know... the first day back on the mat after a looooooooong break from it.

Surprisingly, I wasn't too wiped out and all the binds are still there (YAYYYYYYYYY!)

This teacher is only here during the summer, but I like her. She left me to my own devices a lot of the time, and what impressed me was she left me alone in Utthita Hasta Padangustasana too. There've been many other blog posts by other Ashtangis about how this asana is probably one of the most over-assisted poses, and I agree. Sometimes you just need to be left alone to have time to figure out how it works and how you'll do an asana on your own.

I was expecting she'd come over to hike my leg higher in UHP, but nope, she just sat and observed. I liked that. But then when it came the left side, I got distracted and as I was swinging the leg out to the left, I kept falling over. Then we both started laughing and I said "Too much pressure!" Hehe. I just kept thinking of Susan's comment way back when I realized Beige Heaven's living room floor is slanted on an incline... And Susan mentioned wouldn't it be funny if I got used to practising on a slope, then once on level ground I'd tip over to the left.

Well... That happened today! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(Dudes, that picture is from an awesome site, Bush Yoga. "Here, you will find the ex-leader of the free world demonstrating a variety of ancient yoga poses." HAHAHA!)

The only other observation about practice today was with dropbacks. I am picking up a nasty bad habit with this. Because I haven't practiced dropbacks all these weeks, I was afraid of bonking my head on the floor. And I've taken to lifting the heels up as I'm going down. I never used to do this before, but coz it makes the descent easier (Look Ma! No need to ground the legs!) and also takes less work in slowing the descent... I've been lazy and cheating.

Also couldn't nail the standing-up-from-backbends. The first attempt I just collapsed back down on the mat. The second attempt, I came up and landed on my knees. The third attempt, I kinda got up but had a major dance around the mat looking for my balance. So... I guess they got better at each attempt and if I'd pushed a fourth time I might have got there. But... Fuck it, it's Friday and my first time back on the mat in a few weeks. GO EASY! (and I'm lazy too). ;p

I just kept thinking of a Twitter-pal's comment on backbends. @ruechel has said "Backbends are like pancakes. The first two are no good." HAHAHA!

By the time I was packing up to go, 2 more students walked in to start their practice. I guess Amsterdammers really prefer a later start to their day.

Have a Happy Friday and get blasted this weekend, everyone! (On Sunday, we will SMASH THEM SPANIARDS. Listen to me, I think football is retarded but I'm getting into the vibe here already.)

My Home Practice Space

This is what it looks like in the living room, once I pull the coffee table away.


It works well while I'm "making do" without a shala/ daily teacher *WHINE, WHINE, WHINE*

BUT!!!

I was beginning to suspect that the floor is uneven. As in: this floor slopes off to the right.

A few times now in Utthita Hasta Padangusthasana, after I've swung the leg out to the side, I've tipped over to the right. And this happens on BOTH sides, whether I'm swinging the right or left leg out to their individual sides, I some how end up tipping over and losing balance to the right.

Now, my balance isn't exactly the greatest, but this definitely felt like something beyond my balance/ bandha control. But I thought maybe I was imagining things and making excuses.

Sure enough, when I bought an aromatherapy oil burner and poured water into it, the water level sloped off to the right side. It was very obvious with the water level.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Balancing problem solved. I will now experiment with facing either my front or back towards the sloping side in UHP and see how that feels. This Beige Heaven apartment cracks me up.