Trying to find balance is tricky. Coz it's a constantly shifting, organic state.
It's been about three weeks since I've been back at work and come last week I'd already lost that shiny zen crystal bubble around me from the course. I was grasping to hang onto that little piece of calm inside, but work stress came back in full force and wiped away pretty much everything I had.
I've also been stressing about trying to find a yoga class to teach - the "kiasu" (afraid to lose) part of me's thinking if I don't do it now I'll get rusty and won't ever teach again. And hearing stories from the other graduating teachers about how some of them have already found classes to teach makes me both inspired and annoyed (yes, I have to let go of this competitiveness!)
I was feeling extremely frustrated earlier this week about trying to find a regular class to teach, plus handle being back at work (the stress, the irregular hours, the crazy client requests) and keeping up a 6-day a week practice all at the same time, but thank goodness for my yoga support group (all of us on the teaching course have been keeping in contact)... I'm learning that I'm not Wonder Woman and I'm actually OK with it.
Guess I was trying to go from first to fifth gear without learning how to change gears in between... I somehow had this idea in my head that in order to be a "proper" teacher, I had to be teaching a bigger group of people. But with the manic job I've got, it's difficult to commit to a regular, weekly class. Also at the same time, I'm TERRIFIED of teaching a bigger group of people even though I think I'm desperate to. The internal dialogue in my head of "Yes"... "No"... "Yes"... "No"... earlier this week was driving me up the wall.
In the end, after much pacifying and encouragement from anyone willing to listen to my moaning, I'm beginning to see that I was just putting too much pressure on myself and getting frozen in one position, not knowing what to do with myself or where to begin.
At the moment, I'm just comfortable knowing that it will happen when it happens... I'm just "being" at the moment... content that I'm still enjoying my almost daily practice and that at least I've got Kelly as a student.