I'm pretty sure I have the world's awesome-est boss. Yesterday, he said to me "You're pretty strung out. Have you been to yoga? I think you should make the time to go."
This dude does not practice yoga at all, but he can definitely pick up on how yoga affects me.
Once again, I've not managed to find the balance. I've been going through a slammed period at work, I get the keys to my new home tomorrow, and today would've been a year ago that K and I broke up after 5 years together.
So... there's a lot going on on every level and it really felt like I was at breaking point a few days ago. When your phone's still ringing at midnight with work calls and starts up again at 7am, and when you get a 15-minute respite from work only to have to attend to new-house stuff like choose tiles with the contractor or discuss induction versus gas cookers with the kitchen guy... it's a bit hard to tell your arse from your elbow when you're going from spinning one plate to another. And when I say "you", I really mean "me".
So... I've been strung out and exhausted. In my head, I couldn't really face having to get through a 2-hour practice followed by an 18-hour day at work with full-on stress. Leaving what... 4 hours of sleep?! When I got it in my head that "tomorrow, I will go to the shala to practice even if I don't get enough sleep"... some how this would add to my stress levels and I'd end up insomniac. Totally sabotaging all plans to practice in the morning since by the time I'd fall asleep, it would be 3am.
Some meditation and gentle forward bends before sleep has helped... But I guess I'm struggling with "that Ashtangi mentality" of "Do your practice" (EVERYDAY). I can't. I give up.
In the past year since moving to Amsterdam, I've learned to be OK with where I'm at with my practice. I mean... it's been 1.5 years since I was officially given my last pose, Laghuvajrasana, in Sydney. It used to upset me that all this starting and stopping of my practice because of my up-and-down work schedule had "stagnated" my practice.
But I guess that's only if you look at it on the surface, from a total Asana point-of-view. The other things I've learned along the way include being kind to myself - not beating myself up if I've missed a practice (or a few...), and also learning to accept that people go through different stages in life and your yoga practice needs to adapt to that too.
Sometimes I wonder how much of that is STILL making excuses for not getting on the mat and how much of that is really learning not to be THAT attached to the asana part of the practice. Even if I've done just 3 sun salutations or meditated for 10 minutes, I don't "count" that as having practiced. But dammit, it all counts!
So... Granted, I have been feeling lost of late, and it was good to have had a pep talk with the boss. He basically pulled me aside and we just talked. Talked about life stuff. Talked about finding balance. Talked about how at the end of the day, it's JUST work. He was basically telling me I need to reprioritise and put yoga at the top of my list, since he could see how I get affected when I don't practice. "Even if it means you come in an hour late coz you need to go to yoga, take that time. Otherwise when you work the way we work all the time, you're gonna burn out fast."
He's a pretty progressive boss, my boss. I am grateful to have someone as understanding as him mentor me at work. Guess I needed that timeout to pause just for a bit and think about what the hell I've been doing. I definitely need a holiday, that's for sure! Oh but wait, I have to fix this house up first. Arggghhhhhhh! Hahaha.
There's a lot going on. I just need to remind myself to take it one day at a time. Sometimes it feels like I need to take it one hour at a time. Oh, and... I need to GO TO YOGA!